March 23, 2004

I could use a tea right about now. I'll make one later.

It is 4:54 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. American idol is on in exactly 6 minutes.

S'been a wierd start to the "term". lots of moving, some classroom changes. I am still not ready for the daily grind. I have a paper due on Friday, two exams next week, two assignments due the week after.

I wouldn't feel so bad if i didn't feel so lost and unmotivated to get started on everything. I wonder sometimes where I fit in in my class. Do I blend? Do any of us blend? I guess not.

I just feel ...very out of place. I don't know anything. I don't have my head on straight. There is nothing I have to offer to the class discussions nor to discussions at all. I'm sitting there, wayward side, with these brainiacs who ALSO know how to have fun, and let loose, and I have nothing to offer. I am not a brainiac. I don't party the way they do.

There is a feeling of intrepidation over all the exams and the final final certification exams that we'll have to do, even after we "graduate". It freaks me out. Part of me even wants to offer my practicum position up to someone who would better deserve it. I don't know.

The last of spring break was great. Lots of Notte's Bon Ton cakes and pastries to round it out, a trip to White Rock in the gorgeous sun complete with a long walk on the dock and fish & chips, and a day again in the sun, relaxing at starbucks with the boy, then some window shopping along robson, then granville, where I picked up a $76 lavender Kangol bucket hat with trim from pharsyde for ONLY $5!!. I was stoked. And the lavender hat matched my shirt that day too! Rockin'! ;p

What a deal.

Then it was back to the daily grind of gym, school, homework....

On a high note, I stocked up on sweatshirts at school today. the T&T store (This & That) was having a $10 sale on a whole wall of sweatshirts, so I picked some up...and now I'm happy. Judging by how I've been wearing the same Benneton sweatshirt for 9 years, I won't need sweatshirts until brother gets married and has children. haha.

To elaborate on a ramble in the blog:

Do you ever wonder what people really think of you? Would you want to know? Would you be able to take it?

I do wonder. I wonder if it is just a face they put on. I wonder if they are laughing at me, jeering, pointing, if they are really my friend. I wonder if they are what they say they are, what they claim they are. I wonder if they are what they act.

I wonder if they really like me.

And it's not out of mistrust or paranoia. I wonder these things, these thoughts out of curiousity, out of my analytical state.

Would it not be a better world if we could tell each other what we really thought? Like if I told you your breath stank like a dead animal, or if you looked completely disheveled...of course there would need to be an understanding that we were saying things as they were, and not to be mean or rude or socially inept.

There would have to be a compromise of manners and fact and communication and knowledge. And it would raise awareness.

Me, I do not care what you think of me. I know you think I am weak, that I am dumb. That I am slow, clumsy, aloof, quiet, uncaring. But I realize that it is your opinion, perspective, and percepetion, and not always the full truth.

I wonder these things, in school, at work, in places when I meet new people. I study their inflections, facial expressions, eye contact, body language. Are they interested? Are they geniune? Do they exude confidence? Are they spending time to know me, or are they wasting time listening? Idle chit chat?

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