Things I did today:
1) Vacuumed (finally...cream coloured carpets + me going bald = grey-black carpet)
2) Finished yesterday's ELEX lab work
3) Dropped off book for Helen
4) Visited sponsor for directed studies
5) Attempted to make chocolate almond honey crunch as a reward for Greg for finding my little lost purple disk
6) Finished writing acidulants lab report
7) Pigged out on good food

I consider myself to have an "old soul". I liked the eighties. I like big band music, and *gulp* the cha cha..jive...twist..polka....

Some people are surprised that I am younger than I "act". . .so this would mean I am mature, yes? But i don't know how to act in adult situations. I say the wrong things. I am "rude" without knowing it. There is no etiquette....and I cannot react to someone's feelings.

When someone lets something out on me, I cannot react. I don't want to say, "it's ok.." or "don't worry"...I can't say these things because I do not want to lie to them. I can't say something that I can't back up.

And a lot of the times, people need to WANT to change. I can't change your life for you. YOU have to change for yourself, and only you can change: a) your perspective b) your situation c) your output. There have been several occassions in the past month where I have found myself slowly realizing this. I mean...I know that there are people out there that can bring you up out of the blue...why can i not do this?

I think part of this stems from my inner "control freak". I really am. I see this pattern with myself that is lost and dazed and confused without a roadmap, or a game plan or a "to do" list. If the future is uncertain, I cannot deal with it.

I remember this riddle Mark asked of me: "What is greater than God, more evil than Satan, rich people want it, poor people have it, and if you eat it, you will die."

I guessed and guessed, finally Mark asked me, "what is greater than God?" I said, "nothing". He asks me, "What is more evil than Satan?"

And I said, "the unknown". ...the unknown! I would rather face Satan, I theorized, than to face something I knew nothing about. My logic came to me being prepared for Satan, whereas the unknown.. I did not know how to react or prepare for the UnKNOWN! ...and that was the most evil terror.

Some part of me has to word the about out into dialogue when anyone is telling me their thoughts or feelings ...but in a way not to offend or berate or depress. It's hard, and perhaps that is why I have said nothing lately.

I have to realize where my words will make a difference, and where my words are not wanted nor needed.

I'm going to post up my old old entries again. Not the ones from Geocities...those ancient ones from highschool are long gone. Geocities has gone and erased them. :( But I will post up everything I have on this server. Someone has been reading anyways, so it does not make a difference.

I should not care what people think...these are my thoughts and my events and my feelings. People can say what they say and think what they think. They cannot tell me that they have never felt those feelings before, or that they have never done something devilish or inconsiderate. ever.

In order to address the present to make way for the future, I must first come to terms with my past.

It is almost one o'clock. oh, and i forgot to mention that my camera USB connection is not working so I am SCREWED for any photos at all. I still have pictures on my camera from Ewa's birthday dinner at Rugby's on Broadway, and Chinese New Year and miscellaneous flowers and sights and such. This bites.

My sponsor was out of town, so i got to meet with the RD manager and the sponsors' FATHER..of all people. They were both very informative and helpful and provided me with a lot of samples to work with. The father reminds me a lot of my grandfather. He had big glasses and was friendly and smiled all crinkly eyed.

I had dinner with my grandfather tonight, and i am remembering my childhood with my grandfather. Countless afternoons in Chinatown, the smell of his hankerchief as I was blowing my nose or when he was wiping away my tears and telling me not to cry. He always had so much patience and ideas and fun... he's still fun. and still smiley.

*sigh* there is not enough time in this life.

I am extremely lucky to be living at home and not owning a car and having money saved up. I've become quite disciplined this month by only using $100. SWEET! That's less than $25 a week, because I still have around ten dollars in my wallet. I rock.

I just want to have a job again though...i am sick of squabbling money.