I suppose I have been logging into my email address three times this hour because I have something on my mind. Or do I?
It is the long Easter weekend and I am getting some work done. It will be good work. I have already learned some about psychrometrics, and that report should be done before this day is over...three hours and counting..
Mark has been gracious and humble...I have been using his computer to update my page, since mine is still in pieces over there in that corner of the room. I do not want to lessen my time with him in the few times a week that I DO venture to his house, so I make it quick.
Here it goes. And perhaps the reason why I post this with reluctance is for the same reason I do not have a live line to my archives..my old, old archives. I fear, almost am shamed of some of my thoughts. I know that is shameful in itself. . .I am afraid of some of my feelings sometimes. I am scared of how others may percieve me to be sometimes. Indeed, my public self is quite different from my private self...and my public self has many sides, at that.
I've always wanted to get married. I've dreamed of it every day since I was a little girl..and in some ways, I still am that little girl. I don't know if I'll be able to make that little girl happy sometimes. Perhaps Mark will never want to marry me? Or perhaps no one will. Or one suitor will find me "marry-able" but I am not truely happy with him. I don't know WHY there is this need to be married.
Maybe I do. But why do people get married anyways? Why, and how? How do they know?
Mark asked me this last night as we were watching our first episode of "The Bachelor". How do these people KNOW so definately? Granted, I don't believe that the girls (or the lone guy) is so intent on marriage in my sense, but even in the real world, how do people know that they are ready for such a big step? How do they trust each other enough to assume such a liability.. such a venture?
It saddened me when Mark asked me this..because at that moment, I felt that I KNEW why people get married, but as the night drew long, I wondered why and how myself.
I picture it like this....when you get married, you are living not in sin any longer. You profess your undying, pure, truthful love for that one person that is entitled enough to be labelled your spouse. And you vow to be with that one person, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. On your wedding day, you are promising everyone important in your life, your parents, family, relatives, friends and acquaintances, that this is the one for you. That there is no other.
You promise to find comfort in their arms, a friend in their smile, and a lover..you promise that you will care for them and nurture them. For life.
At this point, I don't see anything wrong with that. Although I know that a lot of couples are married..for legality, perhaps, and perhaps for loyalty.
Matrimony isn't about loyalty itself. It is about chemistry and support and nurturing.. it is about a completely separate bond than just being best friends.
Anyways. That's what was on my mind. quite hollow, but it is from the shell within.