Wow. It's the 30th of the first month of the year 2001. 2001? Where the hell DID 2000 go. Oh wait. I think I spent it crying.

Huh where did that come from?

Well you can see that it's been a while. Yes I know. I've been busy. I've applied in ALL the newspaper ads that apply to me and tomorrow I'm going to apply in person at the place where that girl is working. Yes. THAT GIRL. I'm going to apply there and hopefully I'll be like her supervisor or something. That'll shut her mother up. hehe heh.

Tonight we had dinner in honour of my grandfathers' birthday. We did the usual dinner...and it was funny because since it was so close to Chinese New Year, all the greedy little waiters and busboys were like, "Gung Hay Faat Choy!!" "HELLO." "WELCOME." "HI there." and then at the most crucial moments, "Happy Birthday!!" So of course there was like some red envelope slinging throughout the evening.

I have to admit. If there's anytime that being Chinese pays off, it's at Chinese New Year and it's when you're young. Play it up, youngsters. Because as you grow up, you'll be getting less and giving out more.

Not that I know from experience. but that definately must suck.

*sigh*

I know for a fact that if the retail cable center was still open, I'd be scoring bigtime more ever than before with ly-see. And it's not the money either. (although at a dire time like this when i've finally received my christmas time credit card bills, it would help) . . it's the appreciation.

I definately have a secret dusky entertainment theatre. It lives on dreams and fantasies. Smiles and rainbows. It is a corny theatre with slapstick...giggles. Love.

It is where I am surrounded by the serendipity of a love...faceless, unconditional love. Pure. In its simplest sense.

That is one sense of my secret theatre.

It's also a sensual, touching, feeling, tasting theatre. It's sticky..in a good way. Naughty in a bad way.

It is where someone could get comfortable.

It is also complex and undying. Witty...charming...a darling, really. It's where the starlet is somewhat dim and bright at the same time, quiet and sober in one scene, vibrant and fighting and angry in the next.

It is where I always win.

I know that it is never too late...

But I am heartbroken. Wait. Not in the most usual, predictable way. I am heartbroken for the way my family is built. Uneven, unstable way it is built. It can't even be worded properly.

I would have had so much more to write...sooner even if I had just the computer to work on.

Maybe that's just an excuse. So what? I can't write as fast as I think. It's not the same anymore. Writing in a book....it's not the same anymore. Somewhere along the line I forgot how to write to solely to myself. I write to you now. Who are you? Why you?

In a way I envy those who still write behind a curtain. No picture, no name, no email address...no guestbook. You don't even know where they're from. I used to be like that.

When did I open up? Is this good or bad?

I met this guy online again. heh. I know. Doesn't that just SOUND bad? But he lives in the same area as me and he's really nice. I forgot what it was like to talk to someone again. And yet I did the exact same thing I always do. I disappeared for a week.

I do not tolerate other's absence...yet I expect others to accept mine. Is that even fair?

Do you know how hard it is for me to even carry on a conversation with someone? And it is so easy to talk to him.

Perhaps I'm just imagining it.

Wait. I KNOW I have been very premenstral this week. Dontcha just LOVE it when your boobs grow in that week before? It's like a warning about the week ahead, but for ONE WEEK in the month, YOU HAVE BOOBS!!!! Of course...for girlies who NORMALLY have boobs anyways, it must be very difficult. I am basically a flat chested girl, but it stil hurts like a bitch when my chest swells up.

I imagine that is ten times more painful for big chested girls who become huge chested girls for a week. owww...

It's days like this that I go to read russ. It's a solemn, serene yet exciting read.

::sigh::

Have to say this before I bid you all good night.

I wish my family could communicate. I wish we could say what we mean...and not irrationally in times of anger and rage. I wish we all spoke the same language. I wish we all would listen more and shout less. I wish we were more patient. I wish we all knew that we weren't ALWAYS right. I wish we didn't resort to threats or violence. I wished we could stop crying. I wished more that we didn't give up.

One last sigh.

Good night.