fuuuuck.

Not for good ole' V-day. I'm actually feeling a little lucky this V-day. (and not bitter like i have been for the first oh....15 years straight.) I just saved over the February 11th entry. Fuck I hate when I do that. fuck fuck fuck.

Anyways. I'm lucky that I have a guy like Dave on my side.

I'm beginning to see why we're so alike. Aside from being a little "me me me" (and who ISN't, for that matter.) in some areas, he's a really great guy.

Smart. Caring. Sociable. Well-mannered. Healthy. Breathing...

Why am I not doing the horizontal dance? *sigh*. Like I even know anything about it right?? (But I'm sure that on this Valentines day a lot of others are getting to know it. Or at least become more familiar.) sigh.

I don't know. Something's missing. Maybe I'm just not comfortable enough with him.

He keeps talking about how he's tell me this...or show me this... "When I get to know you better". That kind of bothers me.

When someone tells me what they're feeling or experiencing, I tend to try to sympathize with them. And when I can't relate, I think my body wonders, "hmm... what does that feel like?" And then proceeds to simulate what I know best from it.

Quite learning by imitation, yes?

So a couple nights ago Dave tells me that he's a part time insomniac because he tends to think and think well into the night about creative ideas and ventures and all.

I couldn't relate. Yet.

Then last night (because of V-day's eve???) I toss and turn until the wee hours of the night thinking about. .EVERYTHING. I just kept thinking on and on and on..

What about?

I thought about him. I know...a little sad and overdue, huh.

that phone call....closure..

You know what though. He couldn't even give me a letter. He couldn't give me a message...an email...nothing. I watched "Zhen Ching" tonight on Fairchild tv. The son is such a hottie...and he's dating two girls..he's actually moving away with one..promises her the world. And at the farewell dinner he lies to her face when she KNEW he was lying. And in that moment...that scene...that flashback..I was her. I was her, angry and defiant and unusually ..unusually me. And I was her standing up in front of everyone and slapping him across the face.

I don't need that shit.

Midterms are next week. I really want to be prepared and to...at all costs, do things "naturally". hehe. I went completely beserk earlier this week already. I just snapped...I was like having an attack or something. In all consciousness... I kept asking myself, "what's wrong with me," "what the hell is wrong with me.."

Me and my mother...and me and Dave pinned it down to one thing. Caffiene.

I rarely ever drink coffee. I don't find it tasteful...I have no need for caffiene... I don't even drink soft drinks unless it's a special occasion. Yet on Sunday night upon returning from work late at night..I got the munchies and washed things down with a bottled Starbucks Frappucino. Good going, jess.

I went beserk. I couldn't find my drafted homework, I screamed at my sister, I forgot everything for class...I couldn't concentrate.

..coffee. Plus..remember what the coffee in the tiramisu did to me?? woooo..

I just got another mysterious phonecall from oakland.

I don't need this shit.

Valentines day. Shit. I was supposed to phone up Brit boy and have a talk. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and ..I miss him.

I want to get socialized again. I need people who can afford to go out...and I feel comfortable with. Maybe I'll just go out with people from work, I dunno.

I miss my life. I think I was really alive back in culinary school simply because I had such limited time...I HAD to do whatever, at set times.

Welcome to the freakshow.

Tonight after the Chinese series Zhen Ching I watched and winced at a documentary of an eye surgery. I was so grossed out. I think I can watch open heart surgery or kidney / liver / major organ surgery, yet I was watching them pry open this (..ick....it's all coming back to me!!) patients' eye, drop in a dark liquid and peel away membrane and I was soooo figgeting in my seat. I didn't even watch the entire thing. eeeew.