Fuuuck. I am SO unmotivated.

Just....everything is hitting me all at the same time. It's not good. not good at all.

Michael is breaking my heart.

See here. Everything...everything in that journal, in mine even, it makes me so distraught. Click through on that link, doesn't it sound so sweet? I thought so too. But it also says in tiny print at the bottom, "hosted by johndoe.org". Also untrue.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to recover, never heal. I slept 12 hours last night. I didn't have dinner. I hopped into bed after school and didn't wake up until it was time to go to school again.

It's not that i'm tired. It's simply that I am so drained. Not from school. Not from work. I think too much. It's draining my body. My soul. I feel so hollow.

I don't even enjoy school anymore. It's like I've lost my spirit. And then I wonder if my mother and the rest of my family are right.

I've just wasted my time, energy and money on something that I don't even truely love.

And school.

"Pen in hand unable to write what I truly feel."
~ russ

I can relate.

You know what? I checked my email when I got home from school today, and then went to make grub and stare at the television for about three hours...and russ up there sent me a nice email. That's cool.

What's kinda cool too and wierder still is that he reminds me of Don. Don. Yeah...but like the good parts of him. He's a thinker, a dreamer, but not only. He goes out and tackles his fears.

I wish I could do that.

I'm having a hard time coping with everything. I'm broker than I have ever been in my life, I'm still stuck in this hole, he left me. left me. *sigh*

and the chef that I may very well have for another three months doesn't take a liking to me at all. fuck.

heh. What's very funny is that my bank sent me replacement cheques in the mail. Not that in itself. My balance as of the statement I received yesterday is $14.02. What the hell am I going to write a cheque for?!?@#*&

Anyways. My chef doesn't really like me. I guess I'm a little slow, but while everyone else has been working IN the kitchen, me and three others have been out SERVING. DUH. Plus it's a SCHOOL goddamnit. I came here to learn. If I was perfect already I wouldn't be here.

It's just that between my family telling me that I've thrown my life away and zero support (financially, mentally, nor morally) ...the only support that I had was Michael. Michael and the previous chef. who's currently in Paris...when he returns next week he won't be teaching us either. boohoo.

The new chef has zero patience. It's like a snapping point. Fuck man. Yesterday was my first day on veggies and he's giving me shit....It's not like I've had any training or shit... more like I missed ALL the intro to the working-restaurant kitchen, since I was at the front of the house and then for the next two days I was on dessert. Creme brulee. yaaay. whoop de fucking doo.

So now I have no support.