All I ever think about is myself. Lately anyways. Yet another reason what I see in my journal. Me me me. That's right, it's my journal. But other than that, in RL when someone is animated and telling me an amusing story or whatnot, I've found myself (lately) thinking, "What the fuck, moron." "Give it up, I'm not impressed." "Are you done yet??" and "Do I really care?"

It's kinda disturbed me more today because it's like, I KNOW this little tale is quite pointless..and I sense that, embarassingly, what if it shows on my face???

Are my eyes glazed over? Does my smile seem fake? Am I looking tired? What? did I just yawn?

But the thing is, usually I would FIND it amusing. I would be listening intently, I would be nodding them on...lately.."yawn".

I'm surprised that it's past midnight and I worked today and I also have to work tomorrow, and yet I'm still on the internet.

*s*

I'm going to be very tired tomorrow.

Closing with some email exerpts:

"it'll only cause you more pain if you keep holding on, because you're letting yourself remain vulnerable to him. and that's not fair to you."

And that's one major reason why I'm considering moving this journal. I've already sold my cellphone..I'm considering moving this journal and getting new email addresses. Too much junk mail anyways.

Keeping those doors open anyways, is holding on to dead hope. I have echoing thoughts that I don't want to recognize running through my head: he doesn't want you. To him, you don't even deserve a letter. Or a phone call. You deserve nothing. Nothing.

One thing about me though, I can generally procrastinate on believing, or doing, or thinking about something...I can worry later, sleep later, research for a paper..later. Laundry? Do it tomorrow. Make my bed? I'll only mess it up.

Unless, of course, my worries and fears consume me....haunt me.

Then I'm in trouble.

From a guy at work: "As for graduating, congratz. You've done something that I've never done; finishing something that I started, which is rather pathetic."

I replied him quoting my last entry. I did good on my speed test yesterday. I was so proud!! I finished ahead of time, just over two hours with a prawn bisque sauce, choux pastry, and also a "famous" ganache-cream filled butter cookie. Since it was cookie of your choice, the chefs were impressed. (It wasn't even on the curriculum. hMMm.) :)

The guy from work is a real sweetheart. I invited lots of people to come to my graduation next Friday, and he's one of them. I can't believe he is friggin' BUSSING it to my school to see me graduate in a little ceremony. Now there's a friend.

I think a part of me likes to be troubled. I just sat here for a moment contemplating where I'm at. Good friends, graduation, and the holidays with my family...yet I was trying to find something wrong.

"What is enough? The pamphlet for Computer Systems Technology at BCIT is sitting next to me, I do not know what to take."

What does tomorrow hold?