tonight my sky has no stars..

but that's not all.

I didn't start actually feeling shitty until 15 minutes ago.

Oh well. Before that I was fine. I had a dream about Michael just appearing out of nowhere, and everything was normal.. whatever normal happens to be. But everything was fine. I remember thinking, "why the hell are you back?" and I asked him even but don't remember the answer.

I found myself thinking for a brief moment at the Magic Store at Metropolis what I would do if he out of the blue contacted me, I think it would be a big, "what the hell?"

Truthfully.

Right now I'm really wanting to take a break from journalling. I know my decision changes all the time, I'm sure I've given out tonnes of excuses and whatever, I really don't want to ....express anything for a while.

I'm losing my job at the cable company. boohoo. Well. That's what I expect. With the changeover, I have the biggest feeling of dread that much of retail and call center will be laid off. Yeah.

Just in time for holidays.

Everyone is pushing me to go back to "real" school. I still don't know where to go, but I finalized this as I was putting up my fifteen-year-old fake Christmas tree with tacky trimmings: With life, I'm usually dealt the shit hand.

Lemonade anyone?

It's Christmas again.

Apparently I'm spending it in Vegas again. I think I'm going to be fired from the restaurant as well because I'm going to be missing a lot of shifts.

What has been happening. I'm graduating from culinary school in about two weeks, I have a practical test tomorrow, next week I have a written and practical exam back to back.

A couple of weeks ago I was hit on at a bar, by a un-scruffy, sober, "nice" guy. He said I had "nice lips" with some kinda accent. I thought that was cute.

Maybe he just wanted a blowjob.

I haven't missed Michael until today. that sounds so strange. Have I mentioned that I haven't even considered any other? It's like I don't even want to bother. Yet I don't want to think about anyone else.

It's like I've been pretending that he's been dead.

I checked my email this morning, and came across an invitation to a poetry site. I was surprised that nothing moved me. Nothing until a couple poems written by the same author drew me in...I could have sworn Michael wrote the pieces himself. -- and he did...not MC himself, but someone by the name of Michael actually, spelt the same way, a before e. But it wasn't him.

It's just that it felt like he was speaking his words again. Typing his words. It just felt good to know he was well.

My cousin is coming to town on the 17th. I'll definately be there at the airport....there's something that hasn't changed in a year. I miss my baby cuz.

Shit. I had it all decided three weeks ago: "crying won't change anything about me or anything else. Stop being a little bitch....shit or get off the pot damnit." I'd been watching "Clerks".

How sudden life changes. Maybe this is a bad year for me. I looked it up at the bookstore today in a horoscope pocket book. It said that my life, careerwise would be changing drastically within the next five years.

I'm good at being a failure.

Anyways.

I can't understand how my family can stand me sometimes. I have to be the brattiest, most nit-picky, stressed out bitch ever. I'm a crybaby too.

*s* See. Crying won't change somethings but sometimes I can make things happen. Lets see...it's gotten me out of school, it's made people less angry, it's made them apologize profusely.. I have a knack for making the guilt rise.

All I know right now is that I want to make money..and not work my ass off. I'm a lazyass see. If there's a shortcut, I've found it. Even though I'm a perfectionist.

I'm glad I'm graduating in two weeks. In a way I'm truamatised. It'll be the first time in my life that I'll finish something I started. There's something. And then what. I'll be going to tech school again.

Even though I love to cook, cooking as a career drives a whole *stress* thing into it. Maybe it's just the restaurant I work at.

*sigh*

One thing for sure though, I'll sure be glad to be off my feet. I'll be glad to have some free time. I'll be glad to be back on payroll, if everything doesn't boil over. I'll be glad to have my body not ache everynight...be glad to finally have MY hands back.

It's really gross. I'm embarrassed of my hands. Having the huge hand-fetish that I do, I'm relaly embarrased of my hands. They're disgusting. I know they're not THAT bad off... but really, I have to keep my nails constantly trimmed, so anything that gets caught under there (cornmeal, flour, egg wash, bread crumbs, spices, et al,) stays there for a good couple of hours. If I'm lazy (and I am.) it stays there longer.

ick.

Also there's the side part of both my index fingers that there's little broken, dry, rough skin that's forming. And dirt and god knows what other kind of shit is getting stuck in there. Scrub and scrub as I might with a nail brush or toothbrush or pick at it or try to peel the skin off or whatever, the dark dirt does NOT go away. I will be glad to have MY hands back.

Medium, square-tipped nails, polished and sometime manicured, clean, with my elegant long fingers..man. I think I'll have my sexy sexy hands back in time for Vegas.

I'll also be glad to be able to wear perfume again. Because I work in the kitchen and I need my tastebuds, I can't have perfume on. It distorts the senses. Not that I wore perfume ALL the time when I wasn't in culinary school, but I definately appreciated feeling girly. Right now in school with my hair pulled back and a chef hat, in my chef uniform with minimal make up, minimal jewelery and short short nails, I feel fucking masculine.

Something just hit me. Maybe that dream that I had about the four different "entities" four different worlds was about breakup. Or meaning. ....did I ever find really "Buddha's gold"??? hmmm...

Yep. I'm a superstitious freak.

I'm actually going to the library tomorrow to take out a couple of books on the zodiac and Feng Shui.

Oh. And I'll DEFINATELY be glad not to see my classmates all the fucking time. Glad and Sad. I'm sure you understand.

I published and re-read this page as it looks to you. Another reason I want to take a break is that it's beginning to feel that I'm hiding what I really want to say.