Run Sheet
01/04/28
Sometimes being a Firefighter is dangerous. However, few people understand that occasionally the danger of hurting yourself by not laughing when you reeeeally need to can be one of the greatest hazards we face.
Tonight is a perfect case in point.
Around 2100 we were dispatched to a "smell of natural gas' in one of the more upscale homes in our district. Natural gas leaks are nothing to screw around with. Leaking natural gas can reach explosive levels in a house quicker than most people realize. We take them very seriously. Natural gas is normally odourless but it has a product called "Mercaptan" added to it in the refinery so that it can be smelled if it leaks. Mercaptan smells like rotten eggs. If you smell it once, you never forget it, it STINKS.
Back to the story; I arrived on the scene to set up command and to make a preliminary check of the problem to see if other resources would be needed. I was a couple of minutes ahead of the pumper. The husband, a fiftyish, member of the moneyed, respectable, fairly upper-crust local horse society met me in the driveway. The converstaion went like this:
Me: "Good evening sir"
Him: "hello"
"I understand there is a natural gas leak here?"
"Well... my wife thought she smelled it"
"Where"
"Over here" (Shows me to the laundry room where the furnace and hot water tank were installed)
Throughout this whole conversation i was very conscious of just how nervous this guy was.
Thoughts of possible illegal activities went through my mind. Many of our structure fire calls are from poorly wired marijuanna grow operations. This didn't look like it might be one though, it was a comfortable split-level home, nicely furnished and well kept. The husband looked to be a doctor or lawyer type, obviously someone who didn't work with his hands. Both he and his wife struck me as peole accustomed to giving orders, and used to service people arriving, doing the job assigned and leaving.
I stood thee in the utility room sniffing the air. There was no smell of gas, no indication of a leak, everything appeared to be normal and functioning properly. Once the Pumper arrived I had them bring in the gas detector and do a sweep of the house. nothing was found.
The wife was getting more and more irate at us, the husband more nervous. There was definitely a piece of the puzzle missing.
The wife was getting pretty snappy in how she was talking to my men.
"The smell was VERY strong, it was right here!"
"It was definitely gas, I've smelled it before!"
We had been there half an hour and I decided it was time to leave, there was no sign of a gas leak, and we were wasting our time. I sent the pumper back to the hall and kept a crescent wrench, I informed the gas company by telephone that there was no problem found, and that I was shutting the gas off. they could come and do their inspection in the morning.
The wife was in a fine huff by this time, she was snarling about our incompetence and slipshod manner, not being able to find a gas leak that had been so strong, what the hell do we pay taxes for! Sometimes I have to ite my tongue around people like that, other times I just get on with my job and smile, it's easier that way.
I walked out of the house to the gas meter and turned off the gas valve isolating the house from the supply. As I turned I almost bumped into the husband, he had followed me out of the house into the dark.
"I'm really sorry about my wife" he said
"It's no problem" I said
"Gas leaks can scare people badly, and when there's no explanation like this, they can get pretty agitated. Frankly I'm stumped as to the cause. When the gas people get here in the morning, they may find something, they may not, it's hard to say"
He looked pained, embarrassed, and nervous. He coughed a couple of times and said "I really feel bad about this, but I know what happened, I just don't know what to do about it"
"You know what happened?"
"Yes"
"You mean my men have wasted most of an hour here and you knew what happened and never mentioned it?"
"Ummm... yes... I'm really sorry"
"What happened?"
"I'd rather not say"
"Sir, I think if it was important enough to call out the Fire Department, it's important enough to tell me"
He looked like he was going to burst into tears, this elegant, well-heeled man in his large, beautiful house stood there like a boy caught stealing candy.
"It was me" he whispered
"You caused the gas leak?"
"No... it was me" he said in a pained whisper.
I suddenly caught on.
"Oh, you were walking through the furnace room and..."
"I passed wind" He confessed, defeat draining any dignity left in his body, he slumped there, leaning against the house and continued "My wife walked in and thought she was smelling gas. I pretended that I smelled it too. I could never admit to having caused the smell myself. The next thing I knew she had called you, I didn't know how to tell her what it really was, and I don't know what to do now"
Here was this man confessing what to him was almost deathly embarrassment, and I confess, it was everything I could do not to bust into giggles. If I had he would have probably slashed his wrists on the spot.
"Sir, " I choked out "there's nothing to worry about, the gas company will come out and check everything tomorrow, they will find nothing wrong and turn your gas back on. Nothing more will be said about it and no one will be the wiser. No harm will come, there is no problem"
"I'll pay a bill for you people coming out, that's not a problem. I feel really bad about this"
"There's no charge sir, just go in the house and forget about it"
We shook hands there, binding the contract, sealing the dirty little secret like conspirators.
I managed to get back to my Jeep and close the door before I lost it, I completely lost it and laughed till I could barely breathe.
God, this can be a funny job sometimes.