Run Sheet
02/04/11
So it's spring, and in springtime men's thoughts always turn to... well, you know what our thoughts always turn to.
So there I was tonight, a 40 year old family man, humming down the street driving his wife and kids to the youngster's ball hockey game. A picture from Norman Rockwell, a wholesome little vignette.
The sun was shining, birds were singing. Springtime and greenness surrounded me. Crisp, fresh smells of life drifted through the car from newly-opened windows. A warmish breeze carressed us all. Everything it seemed, was right with the world.
Then it happened, I had no control over it, after all, I'm a man, and men, it seems, cannot control their natural urges, no matter what kind of trouble they will cause.
Travelling down the street my eye was immediately drawn to a teenage girl mowing the lawn. Man, lemme tell you it was something to see.
Saucy little curves...
Smooth, unblemished...
Bouncing along unashamedly...
GOD, I couldn't control myself, I stared transfixed, as a matter of fact, as we passed I craned my neck as far as I could, then looked in the rear-view mirror until the sight dwindled in the distance.
With my mind drifting back into place I slowly became aware of my surroundings. I turned to my wife and noticed her eyes narrowed, her lips compressed into a hard line.
"Did you HAVE to make it THAT obvious?" she said, every word dripping frozen poison.
"Ummmm... do what?" The only reply I could think of at the time.
"Never... mind" she said, her lips curled back in hissing fury, a menacing pause between the words. The frosted moment hanging in time emphasizing just how much trouble I was in.
The next few miles passed in arctic silence I knew the dam would burst before long, it had to. I waited there, like a deer in the headlights.
"WELL?"
"Well what?"
"Well did you HAVE to ogle that teenager so OBVIOUSLY?"
"What teenager?"
"HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM???!!! YOU NEARLY DROVE OFF THE GODDAMNED ROAD YOU WERE SO BUSY TWISTING AROUND LOOKING AT THAT BIMBO ON THE LAWN TRACTOR!!!"
"Oh... that..." I said, embarrassed, realizing what the truth was all at once, and not wanting to admit to it.
"For god's sake Bryant" She said, looking at me with something like contempt, "You're 40 years old, and you're spinning around in your seat like a drooling adolescent at a teenage GIRL!"
I stared out the windshield, suddenly depressed, embarrassed, knowing the truth and hating it. Knowing that it inescapably rested in my heart, knowing that I had to admit it to myself as well as my wife. Like so many things though, I was seized with fear at the thought of actually hearing myself say the words.
I stopped the car and turned to her, my voice choking a bit, feeling like the weight of the world had just come to rest on my shoulders along with the unavoidable, undeniable truth.
"I wasn't looking at her."
"Bullshit!"
"I wasn't, I really wasn't!"
"BULLSHIT, You turned around and stared out the back window, then drove a mile looking in the MIRROR!"
I sighed deeply, looked out the window at the spring sun, the green of the grass. I knew the truth and felt so very, very old. Suddenly the realization hammered at me that my youth had ended sometime and I didn't know it until just now.
"It wasn't the girl" I croaked, hearing the words as if spoken by someone else.
"Then whatr WERE you looking at, huh?" she replied, still clearly seeing a pathetic, almost pedophillic liar sitting beside her.
"It was the tractor" I said in a hoarse whisper, admitting it finally in a hollow, hopeless voice.
"What?" she said, confused.
"I was looking at the goddamned lawn tractor, okay?? I couldn't tell you what SHE looked like, but I can tell you that it was a brand-new John Deere rear bagger, probably a 15 horsepower..... it was really nice"
She looked at me then, bursting helplessly into uncontrollable giggles.
I looked out the window feeling ancient, depressed, washed-up and finished.
I sat there, staring out at the spring, now no longer as bright, new, or promising.
I sat there knowing that it was
the truth.