00/10/06

Funny how we can see things developing.

A close friend of mine has been losing weight for awhile now. He's not a big man at all, he didn't have twenty pounds to lose but lost it anyway. He'a another Firefighter, we've worked together for damn near twenty years.

Firefighters have a unique bond. It means a lot for us to say "I'd let him back me up" When you say that it means that you know he'll die with you before he'll leave you in the fire. It means that when it all goes to hell inside the burning building he's gonna grab you and drag you out or die in the attempt. It means that while you can see him, or touch him, or hear him in that black, killing place you're not alone. If you die you won't die alone. That means a lot.

We've been shoulder to shoulder many a time when things got tight. I once was face down on the floor of a burning house beside him as the fire flashed over our heads and we were cut off. I remember saying to him "Think we're gonna die Bill?" His answer was "Maybe" as if I had asked him if it would rain. God it was funny, one of those moments you never forget.

Bill came to me today to tell me he's entering detox, He's been doing speed and booze, he's been doing anything he could get his hands on actually, he's ravaged himself with any kind of mood altering substance he could lay his hands on for the last six months. He's booked seven weeks of stress leave from the job. He goes in tomorrow.

I've tried to get the truth out of him a few times but never got anywhere "everything's fine" I knew it was bullshit, he's been wired half the time and doing everything he could, and making up new work for himself. He's been working a minimum of 60 hours a week. I couldn't put a gun to his head and force it out of him so I waited. Few things are worse than seeing a guy you love killing himself in front of you and being unable to do a single goddamn thing to stop it. Knowing he'd either succeed or stop, like watching a train wreck in slow motion right in front of you. Today he came to me in tears to tell me he'd have to back out of a job he was slated to do for my division.

I knew the look in his eyes, I had seen it in my mirror once before.

"So you saw the hole eh Bill?"

"What do you mean?"

"When my dad died I spent six months working myself half to death so that I didn't have to face what had happened, I never stopped running until christmas when all the work was done. Christmas morning I woke up, there was no more work to do, I was stuck at home with everyone. I swung my legs out of bed and all I saw below me was a bottomless black hole. Suddenly all I could do was cry, I broke down completely for three days. It took me a week to become functional and a couple of months before I could say that I had recovered. I thought I was gonna die or end up in the psych ward"

There was silence between us for a long time as we stared at each other, Bill's dad died in February, this stuff with him has been going on since July or August. He looked away and whispered "Yeah, I saw that hole"

I've spent the day thinking about that hole. Nothing has ever scared me like that. Bill and I have backed each other up for a lot of years, we've seen some things that only the two of us can laugh at because only we were there and know how scared we were. Now he's in a scary, dangerous place and I can see him, touch him and hear him, but I can't grab him and drag him out.
 
 

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